Respectful Habits for the Unordained Presider

This weekend I have the great privilege of presiding at the wedding of my niece Kennelly and her fiancé Brian. The two of them have many friends and have attended more than a handful of weddings together. I suspect that some of those weddings’ officiants were friends of the family who aren’t ordained ministers but rather respected and trusted people they love.

As a person who’s been ordained in the United Church of Christ for more than 25 years, and who educates future ministers as a life calling, I have no problem with unordained presiders. In fact, I think it’s really touching and says something about the couple’s commitment to a personally meaningful solemnization of their vows. That said, I’ve found myself offended by the words of officiants who’ve played fast and loose with language about ordination. I have advice for the nonordained presiders on how to describe what they’re doing for their loved ones tastefully, without disrespecting clergy. Tackiness and disrespect are a risk when venturing as a tourist through someone else’s professional homeland.

I’m quick to remind myself when irked that few in the wider culture know what ordination is, or what it does and doesn’t mean. Even those who attend church and have a relationship with an ordained minister might not know how to answer the question, “What’s the ‘Rev.’ in front of a name supposed to mean?” So let’s start there.

Ordination in Christian ministry reflects a combination of practical and mystical dimensions. A candidate for ordination presents themselves to an ordaining body: an adjudicating entity within a denomination. The ordaining body seeks out evidence of their education, character, skills, and the experience. That’s the practical side. They also seek out evidence that the person is called by God into ministry in a way that transcends reason. They investigate and intuit whether the person has a pull on their heart to serve that can’t be shaken; that they’ve heard Jesus say, “Follow me,” and they can’t not go.

Some who go through the ordination process don’t grasp its meaning — they don’t get it — which is a knock against them as candidates. They want to become ordained because they wish to be taken seriously, not because they want to feed sheep. It therefore makes all the more sense that a person presiding in a place typically occupied by an ordained minister wouldn’t get it either; how could they? Here are some tips for unordained presiders to help them maintain etiquette and avoid inadvertently undermining the work of the clergy.

1. Do express at every opportunity that you take presiding at your friends’ wedding seriously. Don’t make jokes about it until after. Don’t make fun of yourself during the service because you’re nervous, even though the inclination to do so is natural. Your script: “I’m honored and humbled.”
2. Don’t tell people that you got ordained online, even if that’s the kind of certificate you’re submitting to the Town Clerk. People work their whole lives to become ordained, to get the educations and authorizations necessary to put the “Rev.” in front of their names. A better expression is, “I got a one-day authorization to preside at this wedding.” That’s both the truth and less likely to come across like you don’t take ordination, or your responsibility, seriously.
3. Get your verbs right. Do say, “I’m officiating,” or “I’m presiding,” at a wedding. Don’t say you’re “doing” the wedding, or — even worse — that you’re “marrying” the couple. Whether or not a couple is comprised of deeply religious people, it’s not the officiating person who’s doing the work. They’re receiving a blessing from the whole gathered community and the universe on what’s already happened. They’re convening loved ones to acknowledge the beauty of love. “Doing” and “marrying” suggest authority the presiding person doesn’t have and centers the officiant when the service actually isn’t about them.

Some assume that I would believe that only ordained ministers should preside at weddings, and that’s not true at all. I think asking a respected friend or family member to hold the space is appropriate and authentic. I don’t believe, however, that people should get “ordained online” to preside at a wedding they’ve been invited to officiate. I’d rather see them become a Justice of the Peace, a noble calling and one more suited to authorization that doesn’t include ecclesiastical endorsement.

I believe this not because I spend my days helping students get the training they need for ordination, but because I believe that ordination is in-part about callings, and callings are from God.