Get Used to Getting Used To Each Other
On blessedly few occasions in my life, I have disliked a person so intensely that, when the time came for us to part ways, I was overjoyed. I said to myself in those moments, “I hope I never see that person again for the rest of my life,” and darnit if God didn’t hear me every single time and decide to teach me a lesson. Sooner or later, I’ve always re-encountered such people and have had to face the awkwardness of reconnecting while swallowing a special sort of shame: the kind that results from a toxic chemical reaction between my smugness and my wrongness. I’ve grudgingly come to understand that I don’t pick who comes into and out of my life. God does, and it seems that God has had something to teach me in every encounter, including those from which I could hardly wait to get away.
As the likelihood of a Biden-Trump rematch seems all but inevitable, many are talking about the candidates’ ages. Such talk makes me nervous and uncomfortable, as ageism is wrong. Lest I stoke ageist tendencies in others, I’ve been loath to share what makes me most nervous about two age-80s-adjacent men being our only two options for the US Presidency: neither of them is going to worry as much as I want them to about building relationships.
The consequences associated with their choosing to burn bridges with, for instance, THE WORLD won’t blow back on them. The futures they likely care about relate to their legacies more than their eventual, personal, lived experiences. Leaders with such an abstract cause for worry — What will the history books have to say? — are hard for me to trust.
The school I lead within Yale Divinity School, Andover Newton Seminary, heads into spring recess tomorrow. Tempers are flaring, especially on the part of students who are getting ready to graduate. You might wonder, “What are they mad about?” I’d tell you — really I would, and their angry feelings are legitimate — but I think the intensity of their angst relates less to circumstances and more to anticipated transition. Knowing that one is going to leave a place reduces their inclination to sublimate negativity for survival’s sake. Places and people only drive us crazy when we can afford to allow them to. Students getting ready to graduate can entertain irritability, knowing they won’t need to sustain it for very long, and knowing they won’t have to face reminders of their acting-out behavior after May 20.
I have worked with many people who were in their last jobs before retirement, and in no case did I see a person “phone it in” intentionally. Some did, however, let frustrating realities bother them more than they would have previously. Some blew up, and some pulled back, depending on their personalities and the problems at-hand.
Their colleagues with many working years ahead of them, like me, had to protect their hearts and minds from the stymied stupidities of the working world. We had no choice but to regard our institutions through half-shut eyes. Unpredictable oscillation between rushing projects to completion, and dropping anything that can’t get tied up with a pretty bow before the last great day, are just two of the near-retirees’ tendencies that could drive a long-hauler crazy.
Age aside, I most enjoy working with people who, whether they actually plan to or not, think as though they’ll have to live with any problems they create or ignore. By the same logic, I’d prefer to vote for a person who doesn’t wax on about the world he wants to leave for his grandchildren. I’d trust him (and so far, it’s only been “him”s) more if I thought he was personally, even selfishly, obsessed with the world he wanted for his own enjoyment in the future.
My daughter learned today of the residential college to which she’s been assigned at Harvard. She’ll live there for the next three years and build community around those with whom she shares that space. Student rooming groups are assigned to “Houses” at-random, whereas in the distant past, students got some choice in the matter. Say what you will about randomness versus choice, I can attest that random assignment is better preparation for the working world and life in-community. Although we all have some choices in life — What will we do? With whom? Where? — it’s good our daughter will have to get used to getting used to people; all kinds of people.
It’s possible that Jesus told us to love each other in part because, whether we do or we don’t, we can’t get away from each other. When we make our decisions from a foundational assumption that we’ll have to put up with a situation over the long haul, knowing that we’ll have to live with the results of our choices, we’re wise to choose love.
To paraphrase environmentalist Michael Pollan’s words about waste, “There is no ‘away’ where we can throw it.” From difficult tasks, and difficult people, there’s no “away” to which we can flee. We live better, and lead better, when we keep that truth front of mind. God gave us love so that, as we rub up against each other, our edges might soften, giving us a way to stay close enough to each other that God can show us what we’re meant to do together.
